tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
no more duck duck goose at the bar
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
