I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
