I wish my penis had an off switch
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
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