um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize