My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
