Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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