I can tuck mytits in my pants
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
