I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
so much tequila, so little girl.
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