I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
So I just went to clothing optional bar
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
