I will die if light touches me.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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