So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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