I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
