did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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