I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
