My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
