girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
