Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
