you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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