Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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