Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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