while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
