i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
