I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
