Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize