When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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