Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I will be naked everywhere
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Randomize
