She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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