remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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