wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
