yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I wish you could order shots online.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Randomize
