also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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