I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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