Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Randomize
