Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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