i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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