3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
