mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i dont even know how to be here
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
