hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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