I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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