I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
