I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
