mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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