I hope mine doesn't look like that
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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