I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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