College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
