i permit you to call me
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
