it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
