my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
