We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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