remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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