i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
MIDGETS
????
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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