at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
