My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
