Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
