I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
