my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
