i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
