I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
