know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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