We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
