hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
