I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
